A Miserable Spoof
by EuphrasieTheOwl
Summary: Your favorite book/musical, only not as long or sad. My attempt at writing parodies. It's back off of hiatus, thanks to some new reviewers.
1. Prolouge

A Misérable Spoof

I actually started writing this over April Vacation but I didn't have an account then, so I'm finally giving a try at writing parodies.

If you're one of those people who reads parodies and says "This destroys all things beautiful that is Les Misérables! HUGO IS WEEPING FOR YOU!", than this is not the fic for you. Sorry. So, um, don't take this seriously...

It's a parody of 75% Musical, 22% Book, and 3% Other. I'm pointing out a lot of the differences from the book and musical. I really wasn't sure whether to post this in the Les Mis-Musicals section, or the Les Mis-books section, but I thought in the musicals-section, a lot of people wouldn't get all the book-references.

By the way characters are sort of aware that they are in a musical.

Enjoy!

DISCLAIMER-Les Misérables the novel belongs to Victor Hugo, Les Misérables the Musical belongs to Boubil and Schonberg. I don't claim to be any of them.

* * *

PROLOUGE: Toulon and Digne 1815

*curtains rise, the orchestra begins to play really loud music*

*The BISHOP walks on stage*

DIRECTOR: What-who are you?

BISHOP: I'm the Bishop of Digne, I'm here for my sixty pages about my lovely deeds and soul.

DIRECTOR: Uh, yeah, this is the MUSICAL. You didn't get the memo, did you? We cut you to one little scene and then you pretty much get erased from the whole show never to be seen again.

BISHOP: Not even in the Finale?

DIRECTOR: Nope. Sorry, you've been replaced there.

BISHOP: *leaves sadly*

DIRECTOR: Okay, finally on with the real show.

FANS OF THE BOOK: *glare at DIRECTOR*

*orchestra starts again*

CHAIN GANG: uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh  
More and more uh-uh-uh-uhs!  
LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN!  
AND SING THE SAME OLD SONG!  
LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN!  
WHY'S IT THREE HOURS LONG?

CONVICT1: THIS SONG JUST SUCKS!  
JUST LIKE THE (BLEEPING) SHOW!

OTHERS: SHUT UP! SHUT UP!  
THERE'S TWO MORE ACTS TO GO!

CONVICT 2: I HATE THIS SHOW!  
OH GOSH, WHY'D I TRY OUT?

OTHERS: SHUT UP! SHUT UP!  
BE QUIET AND DON'T POUT!

CONVICT 3: I KNOW WE'RE GREAT,  
JUST THINK IT COULD BE FUN!

AUDIENCE: aw…look, he's cheerful!

OTHERS: *roll eyes* SHUT UP! SHUT UP!  
HURRY UP AND GET DONE!

JAVERT: *walks onstage*

JAVERT FANGIRLS: *squealing* WHOOOOO! WE LOVE YOU SNOOKUMS!

JAVERT: NOW BRING ME PRISONER 24601!  
YOUR TIME IS UP AND-

VALJEAN: FINALLY! What's it been, 19 years?

JAVERT: Well, maybe if_ *_someone* didn't try to escape so many times, he would have gotten out sooner.

VALJEAN: But I had to go back to my starving family!

JAVERT: Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you stole the bread.

VALJEAN: But, you see-

JAVERT: No "but's" mister!  
YOU GET YOUR YELLOW TICKET OF LEAVE!  
We ran out of white paper.

VALJEAN: *raises hand* May I eat it?

JAVERT: What? No!

VALJEAN: But the prison food sucks! I didn't eat anything in the past nineteen years! I was sick of-

OTHERS: GRUEEEEEEEEEL! EVERYDAY WE-

JAVERT: *yells at convicts* WRONG MUSICAL/BOOK THING!

*to VALJEAN* Now whose fault is that?

VALJEAN: Okay, can I just leave now?

JAVERT: No! I need to sing once more!  
DO NOT FORGET MY NAME,  
DO NOT FORGET ME!  
2-

VALJEAN: How could I forget a name like Javert? Seriously, shouldn't you spell it Zhavair? Your-

JAVERT: *angry* IT'S FRENCH!

VALJEAN: Well, this is America. We speak American.

JAVERT: *facepalm* 24601!

VALJEAN: MY NAME IS-

JAVERT: *really angry* JUST GO NOW!

VALJEAN: *walks out* Sheesh, man!

ON PAROLE:

VALJEAN: FREEDOM IS MINE!  
Haha! See Javert, this is America!  
THE EARTH IS STILL!  
I FEEL THE WIND,  
I BREATHE AGAIN!  
THE SKY CLEARS! Aw…pretty sky!  
THE WORLD IS WAKING!

VILLAGER 1: Good morning sunshine! Earth says 'hello'!

AUDIENCE: this musical seems to be optimistic!

SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THE PLOT: Just wait and see…

VALJEAN: DRINK FROM THE POOL,  
*spits water out* EW! What's in this? I feel an extra arm sprouting!

VILLAGER 2: Well, where did you expect us to dump our unused drugs?

VALJEAN: okay, this is defiantly America…  
UNCLEAN THE TASTE!  
NEVER FORGET THE YEARS,  
THE WASTE

VILLAGER 3: Yeah, that's in the water too.

VALJEAN: Great…  
NOR FORGIVE THEM,  
FOR WHAT THEY'VE DONE,  
THEY ARE THE GUILTY,  
EVERYONE!  
THE DAY BEGINS  
AND NOW LET'S SEE  
WHAT THIS NEW WORLD-

ÉPONINE: *popping out of no where* A WHOLE NEW WORLD!

A NEW FANTASTIC-*

EVERYONE: *stares*

ÉPONINE: * hasn't been born yet, so-POOF!*

VALJEAN: now back to me…  
WILL DO FOR ME…

*looks for work*

EVERYONE: *rejects him*

VALJEAN: which is apparently nothing…*sees BISHOP* Hey you, can I stay with you even though they cut the kind woman who points your little house out to me, which makes no sense at all now because I've been soured on religion/clergy/authority in general, so can I stay?

BISHOP:*with no emotion at all* Sure.

VALJEAN: Er…aren't you supposed to sing and be all warm and fuzzy about it?

BISHOP: Yeah well, I'm also supposed to have a whole chapter and a real story, but that doesn't happen either.

VALJEAN: …but I like the singing…

BISHOP: *sighs* Fine…  
COME IN SIR FOR YOU ARE WEARY…  
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, WORDS, BLAH, ETC.  
You get the point.

VALJEAN: *eats voraciously*

BISHOP: I mean, I was great…I had my sister, my maid, now they're just in the background. My story about my family, I even had a wife once…and G-! They cut G-! I was with him when he died! I MISS G-! *cries*

VALJEAN: *not listening* Ooooh! Candlesticks! SHINY!

BISHOP: And that amoral senator, my meeting with Napoleon, which would make that Marius happy…

VALJEAN: *Starts twitching with anger*

BISHOP: My gift of my home to the hospital, traveling to that bandit filled mountain to give mass…

VALJEAN: *steals candles*

BISHOP: *still lamenting*

VALJEAN: *very loud* TOOK MY FLIIIIIIGHT! (That's a great way to not get caught)*

BISHOP: *goes to his garden*

VALJEAN: *is caught*

OFFICER: TELL HIS REVERENCE YOUR-

BISHOP: *still angry* NO! HE DIDN'T STEAL! HERE'S THE REST!

OFFICER: Gosh, no need to get all pissy about it. *leaves*

VALJEAN: Wow, man, thanks! I owe you one!

BISHOP: No. You owe God one.  
I HAVE BOUGHT YOUR SOUL FOR GOD…

VALJEAN: Oh. *starts to feel guilty*

PETIT GREVAIS: *is cut*

VALJEAN: *feels even guiltier because of the fact that the child that he stole from didn't get a part in the musical*  
WHAT HAVE I DONE?

VILLAGER 1: Well, first you stole bread.

VILLAGER 2: Then you stole from the Bishop.

VILLAGER 3: And then you-

VALJEAN: *annoyed* THANK YOU CAPTAINS OBVIOUS!  
*starts to sing again*  
WHY DID I ALLOW THAT MAN  
TO TOUCH MY SOUL  
AND TEACH ME LOVE?

VILLAGER 4: Because he got you a 'get-out-of-jail-free-card'?

VALJEAN: *really ticked off* Okay, you know what, crazy random villagers? I'm, just going to skip to ripping up my parole ticket which is a metaphor for ripping out of my past life and into a new world.

ÉPONINE:*pops up again* -A WHOLE NEW-*POOF! Again*

VALJEAN: *rips ticket*

VILLAGER 5: You really should have just recycled that!

VALJEAN: *really angry now* WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP?

* * *

(PS-If you didn't get the Éponine popping out of no where randomly singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, it's because Lea Salonga (1992 Broadway replacement Éponine, TAC Éponine, Revival Replacement Fantine, and soon to be Twenty-Fifth anniversary concert Fantine) was the singing voice of Jasmine is Aladdin...which I don't own)

Nor do I own Oliver!

So tell me what you think so far!

*Okay, so I've seen the really load flights/run/one's in every parody, so do I need to give credit to all the other parody writers.


	2. At the End of the DayI Dreamed a Dream

Part 2: At the End of the Day/I Dreamed A Dream

Montreuil-Sur-Mer, 1823

*ANGRY PEOPLE ENTER*

ANGRY PEOPLE: AT THE END OF THE DAY

WE'RE STILL REALLY ANGRY,

SICK OF ALWAYS CHANGING THE KEY

START IN Ab, INTO F, MAYBE LATER INTO D,*

IN THE END SING A HIGH C,

WHAT IS IT FOR?

TO BE SICK OF THE CHORUS!

AT THE END OF THE DAY

WE'LL ALWAYS END NAGGING

WE ALL REALLY SHOULD SEEK THERAPY,

BUT WE CAN'T PAY THE FEE,

SO WE WALLOW IN MISERY,

BEING SO POOR,

HOW WE WISH WE WERE DYING.

POOR PERSON1: Okay, so if our mayor has started the Industrial Revolution in our town, creating thousands of jobs, making him a multi-millionaire, why are we so poor?

POOR PERSON2: Well, can you think of any catchy songs about the Industrial Revolution?

POOR PERSON1:…no.

FOREMAN: *non-PG rated things happen in his pants*

FANTINE: *tries to squirm away from non-PG foreman to read letter…too bad she can't read*

LETTER:*is stolen by FACTORY GIRL 5*

FANITINE: Um excuse me!

FACTORY GIRL 5: Oh it's not like you can read anyway!

DEAR FANTINE,

YOU MUST SEND US MORE MONEY.

YOUR CHILD NEEDS A DOCTOR

THERE'S NO TIME TO LOSE!

FANTINE: That's what it says? Oh thanks. My poor-I mean, what the heck are you talking about? I don't have an illegitimate child staying with some creepy innkeepers.

FG5: I never read anything about innkeepers…

FANTINE: Oh. Shoot.

FG5: Well, then…FOREMAN! COME HERE QUICKLY!

FOREMAN: WHAT? Can't you tell I haven't had my sugar-free mocha soy latte yet?

MAYOR: *gets distracted by the air*

FG5: You see La Blonde over there? Yeah, well she has an illegitimate child in some little cutesy town with some not-so-cutesy innkeepers. And since all the workers here are underpaid, she clearly needs to work nights as a whore.

FOREMAN: Fantine? You squirm from my pants yet others were paying you?

FANTINE: No! I'm not a whore, whores get paid! I've only got a child!

FG5: But you don't have a husband!

FANTINE: How do you know that he didn't get shot in some nameless revolution? Apparently that happens a lot around here.

FG5: Because we read the book…SCORE! *high fives FOREMAN…which is denied*

FANTINE: What on earth are you talking about?

FG5: *getting nervrous* uh…don't question it! Look! You're making him cry! *points to pathetic Foreman*

FOREMAN: Gosh Fantine! I'm gonna go cry now!

*cries*

ON YOUR WAY!

FG5: So, we're firing you for indecency, therefore leaving you no choice but to actually become a prostitute. We're such a logical company.

EVERYONE ELSE: *leaves*

FANTINE: Oh merde.

-I Dreamed a Dream-

FANTINE: I DREAMED A DREAM,

IN TIME GONE BY…

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh! This is what's on all the posters!

FANTINE: WHEN HOPE WAS HIGH,

AND LIFE WORTH LIVING

I DREAMED THAT-

SUSAN BOYLE: *cuts off Fantine with a voice that lacks good focus and intonation. Rude.* LOVE WOULD NEVER DIE!

I DREAMED THAT GOD WOULD BE FORGIVING!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: IT'S THE SUSAN BOYLE SONG!

FANTINE: Okay, so I lost my boyfriend, my child, my job, and now my solo. It sucks to be me. *coughs*

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Can someone get that hacking Blondie off the stage? She's distracting us from Susan!

AUDIENCE: We love you Susan!

No real offense to Susan Boyle. I just really hate how she sings IDAD and "Memory" for that matter and how everyone calls it "her song" now. However her "I Don't Know How to Love Him" from JC Superstar is fantastic. Oh and I don't own Avenue Q either.

*I don't own the actual sheet music for At The End of the Day, but I have sheet music from when my choir did a Les Mis medley (which really bugged me because the guy who got the Enjolras solo in DYHTPS is a really annoying man-whore, very un-Enjolraic in all. Plus, now when my friend and I see him with the boy who sang Combeferre's solo, we can't stop laughing…because they're, you know, a "pairing" now…) and in that ATEOTD started in Ab, and then went into F, and I just added the D major and high C because a lot of stuff rhymes with those.


	3. Lovely LadiesFantine's Arrest

Disclaimer-Still not Hugo, still not Boubil and Schonberg…therefore I don't own their other kick-ass musical Miss Saigon. I also don't own Lysol. Or BroadwayAcrossAmerica

Part 3: Lovely Ladies/Fantine's Arrest

LOVELY LADIES.

(*music begins, scantily clad for the time women and sailors enter*)

SAILORS: THE HEAT IS ON IN SAIGON!  
THE GIRLS ARE HOTTER IN HELL!

AUDIENCE:…?

SAILOR1: Oh, crap…wrong show.

(*sailors resemble themselves, this time not as horny marines in Vietnam, but as horny sailors in France*)

SAILOR1: *later plays Jolllly* I SMELL WOMEN,  
SMELL 'EM IN THE AIR!  
THINK I'LL DROP ME ANCHOR  
IN THAT HABOR OVER THERE!  
Ew! STDS! *sprays Lysol*

SAILOR2: *later plays Courfeyrac, so he is all too happy*  
LOVELY LADIES,  
SMELL 'EM THROUGH THE SMOKE!  
SEVEN DAYS AT SEA  
CAN MAKE YA HUNGRY FOR A POKE!

SAILOR3: *later Lesgles*  
EVEN STOKERS NEED  
A LITTLE STOKE!

WHORES: Ew, it's baldy…

SAILOR 3: Even whores reject me…life hates me.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Golly gee willakers! BroadwayAcrossAmerica said that this was a family show! What's with this prostitution? Why on earth did I bring my seven-year-old?

AUDIENCE MEMBER WHO KNOWS LES MIS: Oh, get ready for the child abuse, death, violence, suicide, and schizophrenia.

FANGIRL: AND THE YAOI!1!

MAN IN AUDIENCE: Ew, these are some ugly whores!

WHORES: SICKLY LADIES,  
COUGHIN' UP SOME BLOOD!  
DYIN' OF TB  
AND WALLOW IN THE MUD.

WHORE1:*sneezes*  
LACK OF CONDOMS  
GIVE US MANY ILLS!

WHORE2: *hacks*  
SO MUCH SICKNESS,  
CAN'T WAIT UNTIL  
IT KILLS!

FANTINE: That looks like fun! I've already got some nameless disease; I can't wait to contract syphilis, gonorrhea, and Hepatitis!

CRONE: Oh, you've got pretty hair. I'll give you ten francs!

MY FRIEND: *not really paying attention* Wow, is that hardcore old-school Lesbianism?

ME: *facepalm* Um, no! She's trying to buy her HAIR! Not her! Do you know how much trouble Hugo would have gotten in for writing a novel in which homosexuality was clearly included in the 19th centaury?

FRIEND: No…wow, you seem to know a lot about 19th centaury homosexuality…why?

ME: Hehehe, ah…no reason.

OTHER FRIEND: Wait…I thought there was gay people in Les Mis!

ME: Not canonically! Well, okay that's debatable…but not provable!

*Back to FANTINE and the CRONE*

FANTINE: Golly gee willakers! That is what the Thenardiers charge me monthly to care for my Cosette. What a co-winkie-dink! *exits and comes back with short hair, a lot less clothes, but she magically retains her teeth.*

BAMATABOIS: Oh! Ugly disease-stricken blondes! My favorite type of pie! What are you selling for just one slice?

FANTINE: *disgusted* Ew no! Do you see what you're wearing? Totally doesn't match!

BAMATABOIS: You dare insult my expert color-coordinating skills? That's it! JAVERT! JAVERT!

JAVERT: *arrives*  
TELL MY QUICKLY WHAT'S THE STORY,  
WHO SAY WHAT AND WHY AND WHERE?

JAVERT'S FOURTH GRADE LANGUAGE ARTS TEACHER: Good use of the "4 w's"! You deserve a gold star! *puts sticker on Javert*

JAVERT: *wearing gold star*  
LET HIM A FULL DISCRIPTION,  
LET HIM ANWSER TO JAVERT!

FANTINE: Why are you talking in third person?

BAMATABIOS: She insulted my fashion sense!

JAVERT: You filthy whore! How could you? With a hat as excellent as his, why, it's almost as good as mine! JAIL!

FANTINE: But, what about my little girl?

JAVERT: Does she have a cool hat?

FANTINE: not that I know of…

JAVERT: Don't care then!

MAYOR: *arrives* What seems to be the problem?

JAVERT: Whores with no fashion sense.

MAYOR: Well, that's not really a crime, now is it? Plus she's got a kid!

FANTINE: *hacking her guts out*

MAYOR: SHE NEEDS A DOCTOR'S CARE!

JAVERT: Or a better hat.

FANTINE: I still hate you kind mayor! *spits on him*

JOLY: *popping out of no where* GERMS! *sprays Lysol on the Mayor*

JAVERT: Monsieur L'Mayor! She probably just gave you all of her diseases!

MAYOR: *wiping off spit* Eh, I have a good immune system…*looks at Fantine*…Do I know you?

FANTINE: Yes! Remember that Fantine who got fired who you got fired when you were too busy looking at the air to notice?

MAYOR: *shocked* THAT WAS YOU? But you were so pretty!

FANTINE: Gee, thanks.

MAYOR: I'll save you!

I WILL SEE IT DONE!

JAVERT: BUT MONSIEUR MAYOR!

MAYOR: I WILL SEE IT DONE!

JAVERT: BUT MONSIEUR MAYOR!

FANTINE: Okay, I get the point!

MAYOR: I WILL SEE IT DONE!


	4. The CartWho Am I

THE CART/WHO AM I?

FAUCHLEVENT: *grumbles* Stupid mayor…stupid town…stupid book…stupid musical…

VILLAGER: OH LOOK! IT'S THE CART!

FAUCHLEVENT: *looks up* What-ARGH!

*epic music plays…similar to that of 2001: A Space Odyssey*

MAYOR: Golly gee! Sir, I must save you! *lifts cart*

FAUCHLEVENT: Thank-yer kind sir who I hate!

MAYOR: Yay! I'll give you money and a job.

JAVERT: Le GASP!  
I HAVE ONLY KNOW  
ONE OTHER  
WHO CAN DO  
WHAT YOU HAVE DONE  
HE'S A CONVICT FROM  
THE CHAIN GANG  
HE'S BEEN TEN YEARS ON THE RUN!

MAYOR: *counts on his fingers*…That's only been eight years.

JAVERT: Huh?

MAYOR: Well, if he was released in 1815 and it's 1823, that's only been eight years, right?

JAVERT: Oh, thank-you. I was never much of a math person. Well, don't worry, we've caught the guy, and he steals apples too! So sinful *walks away*

VALJEAN (I assume that you all know that he and the mayor are the same person): Great, now I have another moral dilemma.

*luckily, what took pages of Valjean pacing talking to himself and to fire is made into a little three minute song*

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: I feel a song coming on!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: It's completely sung-thru musical, everything is a song.

VALJEAN: WHO AM I?  
CAN I CONDEMN  
THIS MAN TO SLAVERY,

VILLAGER1: What on earth is he talking about?

VALJEAN: PRETEND I DO NOT  
SEE HIS AGONY?

VILLAGER2: I think the mayor forgot his medication again.

VALJEAN: THE SINNER SENT  
TO BEAR MY FACE

VILLAGER 3: Oh, not this again. Okay Monsieur Mayor, we're going to help you safely back home…

VALJEAN: WHO GOES *realizes that random villagers are touching him* NO! NOT YOU AGAIN! CRAZY VILLAGERS! *runs away*

VILLAGER4: He's got major problems.

VALJEAN: *runs into courthouse*  
I'M JEAN VALJEAN!  
AND SO JAVERT,  
YOU SEE IT'S TRUE!  
THIS MAN BARES  
NO MORE GUILT  
THAN YOU!  
WHO AM I?  
2-4-6-0-ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!  
*rips open shirt to reveal Hello Kitty Tattoo* Ooops…wait, wrong tattoo…*adjusts shirt to reveal 24601*

JAVERT: Partial nudity! *covers eyes*

COURT OFFICALS: EW! Partially nude old ugly man! *cover eyes*

VALJEAN: *uses this oppurtunity to escape*

* * *

*as for 2-4-6-0-ARGGGGGGGGGGGH! search Les Mis Bloopers on Youtube. You'll find a series of epic fail JVJ and Enjis.*


	5. Fantine's Death

By the why, if I can ever give you any advice, it's this: LISTEN TO NEXT TO NORMAL!

…okay, aside from that, on with Part 5!

And I'm still not Victor Hugo, or Boubil and/or Schonberg

* * *

Come to Me/Confrontation

FANTINE: COME TO ME

MY IMAGINARY CHILD

COME BEFORE

MY MIND GETS WAY TO WILD

VALJEAN: *arrives* Oh, Fantine.

FANTINE: Cosette? *reaches her hand out* Ew! You're not Cosette! You're an ugly old man!

VALJEAN: Why do I keep getting that today? Er, can we make this quick, I've got the police on my tail.

FANTINE: Do you have Cosette?

VALJEAN: Er…no.

FANTINE: What? You said you'd bring her! LIAR!

SISTER SIMPLICE: Lying is a sin!

VALJEAN: I had to reveal myself as a former convict!

FANTINE: So, you couldn't save my child for me.

VALJEAN: No. But I'll adopt her! So hurry up and die now so I can run!

FANTINE: FINE! I always hated you! *She dies. Poor woman. She had such a small part*

JAVERT: *enters* Hello, 24601

VALJEAN: Crap! *to dead-Fantine* Why didn't you die faster? I could have escaped!

JAVERT: VALJEAN,

AT LAST, WE SEE EACH OTHER PLAIN,

MONSIEUR L' MAYOR,

YOU'LL WEAR A DIFFERENT CHAIN!

VALJEAN: BEFORE YOU SAY

ANOTHER WORD JAVERT,

Can I take a breathe? We old folk ten to get winded.

JAVERT: Sure.

VALJEAN: *breathes* Okay. *grabs chair*

JAVERT: No fair! How come I don't get a chair.

VALJEAN: Because I'm smart and you're dumb.

JAVERT: Oh really, FAT-BOY?

VALJEAN: Yeah, come on FUZZY!

JAVERT: You're so old, you remember the Big Bang!

VALJEAN: Oh, come on, you don't have anything better to say?

JAVERT: BREAD-STEALER!

VALJEAN: YO MOMMA'S A BREAD-STEALER!

JAVERT: OH NO! You did not just say that about my momma!

VALJEAN: Oh, yes I did! You 43-year-old virgin!

JAVERT: Oh really, well at least I'm not a 55-year-old virgin!

VALJEAN: That's it! *throws chair* Haha!

* * *

So that's all I've got typed up so far. I hoped you've enjoyed so far!


	6. The Inn

No animals or children were harmed in the making of this chapter. Really.

And thanks to my reviewers so far: hollybrigdetpeppermint, insanemistsingsmore, and Eponine Thenardier!

* * *

Part 6: Montfermeil

CASTLE/MASTER OF THE HOUSE/WALTZ

COSETTE: THERE IS A CASTLE ON CLOUD

I'VE GOT MY HEAD UP IN THE SKY,

WHICH MEANS I'LL SOON BEATEN BAD,

OH WELL, MADAME'S ALWAYS MAD

MME T: Hey, guttersnipe, your mom's the scum of the street and so are you. And your dad left you. So go fetch some water from the well in the wood!

COSETTE: But it's dark! The darkness will suck out my soul and eat it!

MME T:….okay, kid. You've got major problems, unlike my little Eponine.

EPONINE: *sticks out tongue* pfffffffffft! *walks back off*

AZELMA: *POOF! She's cut. Too bad, I always liked her*

MME T: Plus, once you grow up, everyone forgets that I abused you and they hate you while they all love my daughter.

COSETTE: Yeah, but I still get Marius.

MME T: My daughter gets a solo!

COSETTE: I live.

MME T: They fight in my daughter's name at the barricades!

COSETTE: I have my own anime, and when you're popular with Japan, you've got it made.

MME T:…My daughter has more friends on face book!

COSETTE: It's 1823, the modern computer hasn't even been invented.

MME T: Since when did you get so smart?

COSETTE: I've always been like this. You were just too busy reading trashy Romance novels to notice.

MME T:…Just go get the freakin' water already!

COSETTE: Fine! *sniffles and walks off*

MASTER OF THE HOUSE

THENARDIER: WELCOME, MONSIEUR,

SIT YOURSELF DOWN!

AND MEET THE BEST

CON MAN IN TOWN!

COSTUMER: *does so* Hey, can I get some food?

THENARDIER: Yeah…sure…*to MME T* Did you get the bodies of the costumers?

MME T: What bodies…?

THENARDIER: Of the barber shop customers!

MME T: *whacks his head* You dolt! That's Sweeney Todd!

THENARDIER: Oh…then go get the cat!

MME T: Here kitty, kitty, *takes cat out of Eponine's hands*

EPONINE: Mum, what are you doing?

MME T: Blame your father.

AUDIENCE: What could be better than two abusive innkeepers who basically kill Fantine, kick-out their three sons, use their daughters as thieves/prostitutes, and kill their daughter's kitty?

SOMEONE: Gee, I don't know, burning puppies?

MME T: MASTER OF THE HOUSE,

ISN'T WORTH MY SPIT,

COMFORTER, PHILOSOPHER,

AND LIFELONG SHIT!

AUDIENCE MEMBER WHO BROUGHT HER KID: Such language! Why did you BroadwayAcrossAmerica?

SISTER SIMPLICE: Lying is a sin!

EVERYONE: *dead drunk*

-Meanwhile, out in the woods-

COSETTE: Lalalalalalalaaaaaaa.

VALJEAN: *from behind* Hey, Little girl.

COSETTE: Hi, monsieur! Good thing Madame never taught me stranger-danger!

VALJEAN: Here, have a doll!

COSETTE: YAY! This is so much nicer than knife I used to play with! I'll call you Catherine!

VALJEAN: Come with meeeeeeeeeeeee! *whisks her back to the inn*

-Back at the Inn-

VALJEAN: I FOUND HER

WANDERING IN THE WOODS-

MME T: Ew…a yellow jacket, so five years ago.

VALJEAN: Well sorry, I just escaped from-*realizes what he's saying*…no where.

THENARDIER: So what do you want?

VALJEAN: This little girl.

THENARDIER: Sorry, we're holding her for some blonde chick.

VALJEAN: Fantine? She died.

THENARDIER: WHAT? She still owes us-I mean,

DEAR FANTINE,

GONE TO REST,

'AVE WE DONE,

FOR YOUR CHILD

WHAT IS BEST?

VALJEAN: So, can I keep her?

THENARDIER: No, how else are we going to get free labor-I mean, how do we know you aren't some old creeper?

VALJEAN: *holds up 1500 francs* I have money.

THENARDIER: Oh, well that changes everything. *grabs the cash* See ya!

VALJEAN: Oh, first I need to use a memory charm on you, little girl *pulls out his wand…yes I just made Val jean a wizard…deal with it*


	7. Paris:1832

Here's part 7! Thanks to everyone whose been reviewing!

Look Down and Stars. (By the way, I made Enjolras sorta shallow, since it's a parody. I don't actually think he's a shallow pretty boy. He's really one of my favorite characters)

Oh and here's a little note: I use the German and Dutch names for Les Mis songs as pseudo-swears. So if I say something is "Lied Des Volkes", it's the same basically as F***** and "Wie ben ik" means S***.

* * *

PARIS 1832

-LOOK DOWN-

MORE ANGRY PEOPLE:

LOOK DOWN, LOOK DOWN,

WE STILL NEED THERAPY,

LOOK DOWN, AND GIVE

US SOME MONEY

GAVROCHE:

'OW DO YA DO?

MY NAME'S GAVROCHE,

THESE ARE ME PEOPLE

AND 'ERE'S ME PATCH

PARISIAN 1: What's up with cockney accent?

PARISIAN 2: I think it's quite charming.

PARISIAN 3: SHUT UP KID! This is Paris, France, not London, England!

VALJEAN: Wait, I thought that this was America!

GAVROCHE: No, if this was America, I'd be talking like this:

YO WAT UP,

IMMA BE GAVROCHE,

DESE ARE MA PEEPS

IN DA GHETTO!

VALJEAN: Oh, thanks! It all makes sense now!

COSETTE: *face palm*…Dad, really?

EPPIE-BOPPER 1: omigawd, it's that skanky lovely lady, cossette!1!

EPPIE-BOPPER 2: ikno! she's so ugly in her ugly nun dress. unlike pretty eponine!1!

EPPIE-BOPPER 3:she's such a stupid lil' pre-reformation nun!eleven!1!

EPPIE-BOPPER: ik!…wait wat's the reformation?

ENJOLRAS: *enters from above the angry people*

ENJI FANGIRLS: ZOMG! IT'S CAPTAIN VEST! I LOOOOOOOVE YOU! *one of them faints*

ENJOLRAS: *yelling* WHY DOES THE GOVERNMENT SUCK? Gosh, maybe if everyone were a bit more like me, this Lied Des Volkes City wouldn't suck as much! Plus, we'd all be so much better looking-

WHORE: HEY!

ENJOLRAS: Oh, sorry, no offense.

WHORE: Well, anyways, I'm free right now, so-

ENJOLRAS: Ew, no, you're like, female. I hate women. Anywhoo, were is General Lamarque when you need him?

MARIUS: In the Paris nursing-home.

ENJOLRAS: Shut up. You're a Buonapartist. Your opinions don't matter.

MARIUS: *sniffles* That wasn't an opinion, it was a fact! Gosh, why are you always so mean to me?

ENJOLRAS: Because, you're a Buonapartis, you suck as a lawyer, your hair is too curly, you spend all your time day-dreaming, you like CATS the musical, you're so gay, but you still won't sleep with me, you dislike owls, you read Twilight, you-

MARIUS: *gets distracted by the air*

ENJOLRAS: My point exactly.

PATRON-MINETTE: *enters*

GEUELEMER:*is replaced by Brujon*

EPONINE: Hey, Marius!

MARIUS: Oh, er…hi, Eponine…

EPONINE: So, I was talking to myself yesterday, and I thought that-

MARIUS: Uh, look at the time! Gotta go!

EPONINE: But, wait! Don't you want to hear the names of our children?

COSETTE: *giving alms to a poor woman while wearing a bonnet*

MARIUS: *bumps into pretty girl with a bonnet*

COSETTE: *bumps into dazed and confused boy with fluffy hair*

MARIUS: Oh…my…gosh, you're-you're really…pretty.

COSETTE: *blushes*

EPONINE: Oh, wie ben ik…

VALJEAN: *drops handkerchief*

PATRON-MINETTE: *assembles!*

MONTPARNASSE FANGIRLS*:SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I LOVE YOU MONTY! YOU'RE TEH SEX!

ENJI FANGIRLS: AH, NO! ENJI IS TEH SEX!

FANGIRLS: *fight…no one else seems to care*

THENARDIER: So, we're going to rob that guy with the epic mustache.

BABET: Why are you acting as if you're suddenly in charge of Patron-Minette?

THENARDIER: Because you're not even a main character!* Okay, so 'Parnasse I want you to watch for the fuzz with Eponine, and-

MONTPARNASSE: Why do I never get to have any fun in this musical?

THENARDIER: Because you're not even a main character!* Alright, so-

JAVERT: *arrives*

THENARDIER: Oh wie ben ik…

JAVERT: So, what do you seem to be plotting here?

THENARDIER: Oh, well, uhm…*points to Valjean* HE DID IT!

VALJEAN: *sees Javert and covers his face* You can't see me! You can't see me!

COSETTE: Uhm, Dad, you did you forget your medication again?

JAVERT: What the lied des volkes are you talking about?

THENARDIER: He's a former convict! He's evil, responsible for the MUTILATION OF THESE POOR INNOCENT MONKEYS!

PATRON-MINETTE: *blink*

JAVERT:*blink*

THENARDIER: Oh you get the point!

JAVERT: *thinks* Wait, a minute, I think you may be right! It must be Valjean!

VALJEAN: RUUUUUUUUUN!

COSETTE; *is dragged along*

PATRON-MINETTE: *escapes*

-STARS-

*it suddenly becomes night in Paris*

JAVERT:

THERE, OUT IN THE DARKNESS

I HAVE DELUSIONS

AS I GO CHASING

VALJEAN SENSES

ARE A-TINGLING

AND I CAN SMELL HIM,

I SMELL HIS FEAR!

PARISIAN 1: I think the inspector forgot his meds too.

JAVERT:

AND IF YOU FALL,

AS LUCIFER FELL,

HE FALLS IN FLAMES!

PARISIAN 2: Well, that's a bit gruesome.

JAVERT: *yelling* WILL YOU STOP INTERRUPTING MY SOLO?

*resumes*

AND SO IT MUST BE,

FOR SO IT IS WRITTEN,

ON THE DOORWAY TO PARADISE!

PARISIAN 3: Hey, wait, I thought that you were an atheist!

JAVERT: SHUT UP!

*resumes*

LORD LET ME FIND HIM

THAT I MAY SEE HIM,

SAFE BEHIND BARS!

I WILL NEVER REST-

PARISIAN 4: Oh, that sounds slashy!

JAVERT: Okay, I'm just going to give up now on this song.

-Back with Marius and Eponine were it is magically day-time again-

EPONINE: Okay, so the pretty girl giving alms was Cosette, the ugly little girl that I used to bully. Karma sucks.

MARIUS: Hey, Eponine, you're good at stalking, right?

EPONINE: Darn tootin'!

MARIUS: So, can you go find that address of that pretty girl for me? *hands her a couple francs*

EPONINE: I don't want your money, I want-

MARIUS: Thanks Eponine, you're a real qausi-pal!

EPONINE: I think I'll go ask 'Parnasse for his knife…

* * *

*I'm proud to be part of the Monty fangirls.

*I stole the "not even a main character* from YuGiOh Abridged. They keep making fun of Bakura because he's not a main character. (And because he's British) And I thought that if fit. Don't sue.

*I also don't own Wicked.

-as you can see, I own nothing.-


	8. The ABC Cafe

Okay, so after some writer's block, I've decided to update this…I don't think this installment is very good, but it's all I could think of.

ABC CAFÉ

*Les Amis are sitting around or entering the café. Random fan girls are attempting to glomp some of them*

FEUILLY: Enjolrash!

CORUFEYRAC: Anjelruss!

COMBEFERRE: Enjolrusu!

AUDIENCE: *cringe*

ENJOLRAS: *facepalm*…will they ever get it right? Oh well…

THE TIME IS NEAR.

SO NEAR,

IT'S STIRRING THE BLOOD-

JEHAN: But blood makes me sick!

COMBEFERRE: Then you really shouldn't be here…

ENJOLRAS: Shut up, Combeferre, don't scare away the recruits!

JEHAN:…?

ENJOLRAS: Alright, so first we need to offer up prayers to Marat and-

MARIUS: *waltz in dazed and confused* I-I-I-

ENJOLRAS: Tardiness Marius, tsk, tsk,

JOLY: What's wrong with you-

MARIUS: Where to begin?

JOLY: I mean today, specifically, you look more dazed and confused than usual.

YOU LOOK AS IF YOU'VE SEEN A GHOST.

JEHAN: I'm afraid of ghosts!

GRANTAIRE: Have some booze, that always makes clears up my mind!

MARIUS: I saw a girl! AND SHE WAS PRETTY! EVEN PRETTIER THAN YOU, ENJOLRAS!

GRANTAIRE: Hahaha! I'm agog! Marius has become a 19th centaury version of a player! HE'S SUCH A DON GEE-WAHN!

SPANISH SPEAKERS: *cringe*

ENJOLRAS: *angry and slightly jealous* MARIUS! How could you? You know that heterosexuality is not an option for any Ami!

COURFEYRAC: Even I know that!

JEHAN: It's alright Marius. We'll support you in what ever makes you happy.

ENJOLRAS: No, we won't. Now everyone, let's glare at Marius as we sing!

RED, THE BLOOD OF ANGRY MEN!

JEHAN: *pukes*

ENJOLRAS: *facepalm*…I'm surrounded my complete idiots…

Alright, again this time!

EVERYONE: *Fortissimo at Marius* RED THE BLOOD OF ANGRY MEN!

ENJOLRAS: This is because of your bourgeois grandpa!

EVERYONE: *again with the fortissimo at Marius* BLACK THE DARK OF AGES PAST!

ENJOLRAS: This is for your bourgeois GIRLFRIEND!

MARIUS: You can't be mean to me! I'm a baron!

ENJOLRAS: Yeah, a second-generation baron under Napoleon. Pfft. That's like, nothing.

MARIUS: But-but-but…uhm…

ENJOLRAS: *sarcastic! It burns* Oh, Great comeback…*they continue to argue*

JEHAN: *to Combeferre* Hey, who was that lazy guy we used to know?

COMBEFERRE: Who?

JEHAN: You know, the lazy but rowdy one…Bernad, maybe?

COMBEFERRE: I still don't follow.

JEHAN: Uhm…maybe it was…Benedict?

COMBEFERRE:…

BOSSUET: Oh, I remember him…wasn't it something like Benoit?

-back to the argument-

ENJOLRAS: A girl is going to distract you from the insurrection I'm planning once I murder Lamarque…you didn't hear that last part…

MARIUS: But I'm not even a Republican! I only come because I need friends!

ENJOLRAS: Well wake-up Marius, we're not your friends! (so don't sing a song in ACT 2 about how much you miss us!)

MARIUS: But didn't you see her? She's my soul-mate! I've even got my neighbor finding her address for me!

ENJOLRAS: Yeah, I saw her. And she looks like a nun. A skanky nun. And she's brunette…blonds have more fun…And I'm pretty and blond! You why don't you love me?

MARIUS: *double-take* Wait, what?

GAVROCHE: Hey! Listen to me! I crave attention!

ENJOLRAS: This better be good kid, or I'll strangle you with my hair ribbon.

COMBEFERRE: You know, Enjolras, threatening children isn't good…

GAVROCHE: General Lamarque is dead!

ENJOLRAS: Yes! He swallowed the rat poison!…I mean, that's so tragic! He was the only one who spoke for the poor in this f*** up Orleanist society!

BOSSUET: So…what do we do now?

ENJOLRAS: Do what we always do, sing a song about it!

*no one has a problem this.*

ENJOLRAS: DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING,

SINGING THE SONG OF ANGRY MEN?

JOLY: *whispering to BOSSUET* Who is he talking to?

FEUILLY: So, we're singing a song, a about people singing a song, about people singing a song…

COMBEFERRE: WILL YOU JOIN IN OUR CRUSADE?

JOLY:…wait, do we have to FIGHT?

FEUILLY: WILL YOU GIVE ALL YOU CAN GIVE,

SO THAT OUR BANNER MAY ADVANCE,

SOME WILL FALL AND SOME WILL LIVE

MARIUS:…wait, we have to die?

BOSSUET: I should have seen this coming.

FEUILLY: THE BLOOD OF THE MARTYRS WILL WATER THE MEADOWS OF FRANCE!

JEHAN: EW! More blood! *pukes again*

ENJOLRAS: This revolt is going to be a total and utter failure…

Tehehe, Enji has a crush on Marius…

So uhm, reviews please? I feel lonely…


	9. Rue Plumet

Just warning you, when typing this, I listened to Leather Pants, The actual version of Bad Romance, Boys Like Girls, High School Musical, Avenue Q, Rent, The Secret Garden, and Sweeney Todd. I think that might be a dangerously weird combination…just warning you, I think that I'm officially crazy…

SO I DON'T OWN:

All the songs mentioned above

Herbert Kertzmer (he owns himself…and most of this fic too…sorry I make fun of him, I actually think that he's a genius)

Disney

The Hunchback of Notre (still not Hugo!)

Harry Potter

Or Glee

(I need to stop with the obscure references…)

RUE PLUMET:

*We see Cosette, who is NOT a skanky nun. In her garden*

COSETTE: I can't believe it! Someone talked to me! A person! I've never talked to people before…well expect for my dad, but he really doesn't count…

IN MY LIFE,

THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS

UNANSWERED THAT SOMEHOW SEEM WRONG!

…wait, if the questions are unanswered, how do I know if they are wrong or not?

HERBERT KERTZMER: Shut up and just sing the few lines that I gave you!

COSETTE: *sniffle* Why did I have to be the under-written character? I was such a good little symbol of incorruptible innocence!

HERBERT KERTZMER: Because, nobody likes a soprano!

COSETTE:*gets an idea* Maybe if Disney makes their own Les Mis version like they did with Hunchback, they'll make my character so interesting and all cool like they did with Esmeralda, instead of my stereotypical female classic literature character personality!

ESMERALDA: *popping out of no-where* JUSTICE!

HERBERT KERTZMER:…Or they'll just clean up Eponine even more than we did, have her voiced by Miley Cyrus, and than erase you from the story like they did with Fleur.

COSETTE: *sniffling* I'm going to go cry now. Even the authoress doesn't pay much attention to me now that she's obsessed with Death Note and Fullmetal Alchemist!

VALJEAN: *intruding on Cosette's little moment* Why do you hate your life Cosette? Look we have all that we need, *really cheesy* each other.

COSETTE: Um, Dad, I love you and all, put you're a bit anti-social. And agoraphobic. And you scream when ever you see someone with sideburns.

VALJEAN: SIDEBURNS? WHERE?

COSETTE:…my point exactly…so can I maybe go out or something, you know, to make friends…?

VALJEAN: NO! People are….

COSETTE: Yes?

VALJEAN: are…

COSETTE: an answer please?

VALJEAN: Cosette, I've never told you this, but I'm a wizard. You're a witch. And we are followers of the Dark Lord.

COSETTE: I thought that we were Catholics…

VALJEAN: SHUT UP!…We're death-eaters, and I don't want you associating with muggles!

COSETTE: Like I'm going to believe that…

VALJEAN: I'll prove it to you! *rips open shirt to reveal 24601...and his Hello Kitty Tattoo*

COSETTE: Um…what does "24601" and "Hello Kitty" have to do with that?

VALJEAN: Crap, wrong tattoo gain. *pulls put his shirt sleeve to reveal the Dark Mark* SEE!

COSETTE: Nice…a temporary tattoo…

VALJEAN: You know, I could go all 1998-movie on you and slap you right now!

COSETTE: Yeah, but the authoress won't let you.

VALJEAN: Curses…well, have fun in the garden!

COSETTE: *a pause* Hey, wait, why do you have a number tattooed on your chest?

VALJEAN: NO REASON!

-meanwhile, with Marius and Eponine-

MARIUS: Golly gee willakers, I finally get to meet Ursula!

EPONINE: You named her?

MARIUS: YEP! And I found her handkerchief!

EPONINE: Is that even sanitary?

MARIUS: Since when do you care about hygiene?-Oh look! Her house! Thanks creepy neighbor girl!

EPONINE: Oh the things that love makes us do…

-In the Garden…A HEART FULL OF LOVE-

MARIUS: *primping himself*

A HEART FULL OF LOVE,

A HEART FULL OF SONG,

I'M GOING EVERYTHING ALL WRONG!

EPONINE: You can say that again!

MARIUS: Oh, Ursula, I love you!

COSETTE: Who is this Ursula? We haven't even met and you're already cheating on me? You bastard! *slaps him*

MARIUS: No! I-I-I- mean, I thought your name was Ursula! Because of this handkerchief that I found!

COSETTE: Oh, well than. I can forgive you because you're the closest thing to human contact that I've had in…forever.

MARIUS: Wow, you've never had friends and all my friends hate me! We're prefect for each other!

COSETTE: Aw, we are!…so do you have a name?

MARIUS: Marius Pontmercy!

COSETTE: Cosette?…I think…

TOGETHER:

A HEART FULL OF LOVE,

PREDICTABLE SONG!

LASTING JUST TWO MINUTES LONG

BUT STILL IT KILLS,

FILLED WITH THE OVER GOOEY FRILLS!

EPONINE: HE WAS NEVER MINE TO STALK…

COSETTE AND MARIUS: *all mushy and gooey*

EPONINE: *just be thankful she has no weapons on her…*

-Meanwhile, in the front of the house-

THENARDIER: *amuses Leader position*

BABET: You know, you're really starting to get annoying.

THENARDIER: Well you're starting to get ugly!

BABET: You've always been ugly!

THENARDIER:…you're not even a main character!

BABET: You've already said that. It gets old.

MONTPARNASSE: I still have the most fangirls.

BRUJON: CAN WE GET ON WITH THIS?

THENARDIER: Shut-up, you Patron-Minette wannabe! We only let you in the Quartet because Geuelemer was cut!

BABET: Who is Montparnasse talking too?

MONTPARNASSE: You know, my *smirk*…knife is a lot bigger than Pontmercy's.

EPONINE: Yeah, well at least his is clean.

MONTPARNASSE: *really ticked* Any girl in France would be happy to sleep with me, but you're off chasing a member of Gay Amis de L'ABC?

EPONINE: He's only a sorta-quasi-member of Gay Amis!

THENARDIER: WHO IS THIS HUSSY?

EPONINE: Would it have killed you to just say "what is this creature?" like in the novel?

THENARDIER: Eponine, shouldn't you be…doing something else?

EPONINE: …But Daddy…I just want a hug *big and teary-eyed*

THENARDIER: No. Go sing some Disney song or something!

EPONINE: Well maybe I don't feel like it! Look, there's nothing special here for you! I think that they're wizards so they don't use muggle stuff…

THENARDIER: I can sell their wizard stuff on the black market!

EPONINE: Okay, I'm gonna scream.

THENARDIER: Try it.

EPONINE: *screams…very high for an alto…*

BABET: YOU HAD TO EGG HER ON!

THENARDIER: WHEN YOU GET HOME YOU'RE GONNA GET IT!

MARIUS: ZOMG! Eponine, you've saved the day! Oh Cosette, this is my creepy-neighbor.

COSETTE: *to Eponine* You seem familiar…

EPONINE: I DID NOT BULLY YOU AS A CHILD NOR AM I PLOTTING TO KILL YOU!…I mean, bye.

COSETTE: I'm confused…

VALJEAN: Cosette I heard a cry in the dark…even though it's two in the afternoon…

COSETTE: Oh,

THAT WAS MY CRY YOU HEARD PAPA!

Not some gamine's. Because I was alone…expect for-

THE THREE MEN I SAY BEYOND THE WALL.

But other than them, I saw no one. Meaning, I was alone. No human contact what so ever. Especially not of the curly-haired tenor type.

VALJEAN: Three men…Javert must have two sidekicks!

COSETTE: Who?

VALJEAN: Nothing, sugar-plum. Tomorrow we've moving.

COSETTE: Again?

VALJEAN: Don't make me go all 1998 movie!

COSETTE: *unthreatened*

VALJEAN: Use the killing curse!

COSETTE: *yawns*

VALJEAN: Use my Egyptian God Cards!

COSETTE:*looks at him funny*

VALJEAN:…throw out all of your GLEE soundtracks…

COSETTE: OH NO! I'LL GO!


	10. One Day More!

So, here's the Act 1 finale. Sorry if my last few chapters haven't been so good…

ONE DAY MORE!

-slightly before hand-

EPONINE: *reading 101 Ways to Kill the Man You Love* Um…"lead him to barricades where you both can die"…*looks at Les Amis* …well that's convenient…Hey Marius, I want to talk to you.

-Some spot…has this spot ever been determined? Well, just picture a revolving stage…unless this is the 25th anniversary tour…*

VALJEAN: *packing*

ONE ACT MORE

ANOTHER ACT AND THAN MY LIFE IS DONE

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS ON THE RUN,

NEVER HAVING ANY FUN,

FOR A STEALING A JUST A LITTLE BUN,

ONE ACT MORE

MARIUS: *questiong why he's in Les Amis*

I DIDN'T ASK UNTIL TODAY

COULD I POSSIBLY BE GAY?

VALJEAN: ONE ACT MORE

COSETTE: *thinking it out…Marius does sing tenor* I BET HE SWINGS THE OTHER WAY…

HE'S BEEN ACTING FAR TO FEY!

*is depressed, her one chance at human contact probably likes men…*

EPONINE: ONE MORE DAY OF MY STALKING

MARIUS: WILL THE WONDERING EVER END?

EPONINE: ONE OF DAY OF HIS MOCKING!

COSETTE: WILL I EVER HAVE A FRIEND?

EPONINE: OH THE WRATH THAT HE SHALL KNOW!

MARIUS: WILL MY ACTIONS OFFEND?

EPONINE: OH THIS BOY HAS GOT TO GO!

ENJOLRAS: ONE MORE DAY BEFORE WE DIE!

MARIUS: *notices Enjolras* ENJOLRAS IS REALLY HOT!

ENJOLRAS: I LOOK REALLY GOOD IN RED!

MARIUS: *notices Cosette again and thinks about how pretty she is* OH WELL, SORRY, MAYBE NOT!

ENJOLRAS: NO MARIUS NOTICE ME!

MARIUS: OH GOSH, WHY PUT ME IN THE SPOT?

ENJOLRAS: *yelling at Marius* YOU WILL TAKE YOUR PLACE WITH ME!

EVERYONE ELSE: THE TIME IS NOW,

THE DAY IS HERE!

VALJEAN: ONE ACT MORE!

JAVERT: ONE MORE ACT

TILL WE'VE BEEN KILLED

WE WILL DIE FLASHY DEATHS

I WILL JUMP INTO THE RIVER

NOT CARING 'BOUT THE DEPTH

VALJEAN: ONE ACT MORE

THENARDIERS:

WE ARE WE STILL HERE?

MME T: SHOULDN'T I HAVE DIED?

MONTPARNASSE: ALL I DO IS LEAR

MME T: WHY HAVE THE WRITERS LIED?

THENARDIER: THERE'S A SHINY VEST.

THINK I'LL STEAK THAT FIRST

ALWAYS LIKED IT BEST!

MME T: *thinks she's dying* WILL SOMEONE GET A NURSE?

GROUP 1: ONE ACT TO A NEW BEGINNING!

GROUP 2: AND SING THE SAME OLD TUNE!

GROUP 1: EVERYONE BEING TO SING

GROUP 2: JUST ANOTHER REPRISE!

GROUP 1: NEVER NEW SONGS FOR THE WINNING

GROUP 2: NO NEW SONGS WILL BE SUNG!

EVERYONE: DO YOU THE PEOPLE SING

THE SAME OLD TUNE,

FOR ONE MORE ACT!

VALJEAN: ONE ACT MORE!

[COUNTER-PART OF ALL OF THE ABOVE]

EVERYONE: ONE MORE SONG,

ONE MORE SHOW,

ONE ACT MORE!

-END OF ACT ONE-

Thanks for everyone who's been reading this! Act 2 is a-coming!

To my American Readers: Happy Independence Day VIVE LA AMERICA!…Um…Long Live America! (…In America!…a cookie to any one who gets the reference)


	11. On My Own

An update finally!

Oh and, so far no one has gotten a full cookie for last Chapter's reference. Mlle. Patria got half a cookie because she thought it was West Side Story, and since I love WSS, she got a half. The reference was actually to (surprise, surprise) Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series. Bandit Keith enjoys reminding people that he's "In America!" (Don't you love how every Yu-Gi-Oh American is a total loser?)

On with Eponine and her problems! (and oh, here's a note, I was watching Yu-Gi-Oh when I was writing this…so uhm, yeah, I think you all know by now what that means)

* * *

*Enjolras and the others are building the barricade. Marius is too lazy to do anything*

EPONINE: *dressed in a trench coat and wearing her Eppie Hat ™ Even though she's dressed as a boy, she hasn't bother to put her hair up in her cap (unless she's played by the uber-amazing Sutton Foster)*

MARIUS: *sees "Boy"* Hey little boy, fancy a screwing?

EPONINE: HELL YEAH!

MARIUS: Ew, no, it's just Eponine. Uhm, so here's another letter to Cosette. I've decided to tell her that I'm going to die at the barricades instead of breaking up with her for Enjolras.

EPONINE: Why?

MARIUS: Well, you see, since Cosette's been so lonely she created and evil imaginary friend named Colette who plans on world domination through playing a series of children's card games.

EPONINE: …?

MARIUS: Yeah, and her doll Catherine is a millennium item. So I really don't want to break up with her in person…and since you're so suicidal, I believe that my plan works. Toodle-loo!

EPONINE:…Why do I keep doing this to myself?

-THE LETTER-

VALJEAN: Golly gee willakers, Cosette. The streets are so dangerous tonight. Good thing that I never let you outside in the real world.

COSETTE: *mopes*

VALJEAN: Why are you so sad, Cosette?

COSETTE: *breaking point* WHY AM I SAD, HUH? WELL, THE GUY I THOUGHT LIKED ME PROBABLY IS GAY, WE KEEP MOVING, I HAVE A PSYCHO ALTER EGO, I'M ANATIDAEPHOBIC, YOU THINK THAT WE'RE DEATH-EATERS, YOU LIKE POKEMON, YOU KEEP LYING TO ME, I HAVE, LIKE TWO FANS, AND MY SOLO COMES IN AT AGE 8...IS THERE ANY REASON FOR ME TO BE HAPPY? *twitch-twitch*

VALJEAN: *obviously not paying attention* That's nice dear, go pack.

COSETTE: ARGH! I'll just go to the garden.

EPONINE:*arrives* Monsieur, this is a letter for your daughter. It's from a boy at the barricades. He's in love with your daughter. Meaning he wants to take her away from her. And he's probably perverted.

VALJEAN: I'll take that.

EPONINE: He meant it for her.

VALJEAN: Yeah, well she's in the garden talking to her imaginary friend, Colette and some assassin/thief/whatever named Montparnasse, probably. I think they believe that they're some characters from an anime about children's card games based on Egyptian mythology that decides the fate of the world.

EPONINE: Wow. That's stupid.

VALJEAN: I know. Pokemon is so much better.

EPONINE: Ew, no. Pokemon sucks. No plot what-so-ever. Only the first few seasons were good. Ouran High is a much better anime.

VALJEAN: Ew. No. Only teenage-yaoi-loving fan girls like that.

EPONINE: No. Ouran High is awesome. You just have no taste in anime. I'm leaving OHHC-hater!

-Somewhere in Paris-

EPONINE: AND NOW I'M ALL ALONE AGAIN

PARISIAN 1: Seriously, was there ever a time that you weren't alone?

EPONINE: I'll just ignore that…

NO WHERE TO GO NO ONE TO TURN TOO,

WITHOUT A HOME,

WITHOUT A FRIEND,

PARISIAN 2: Again, stuff you've never had.

EPONINE: CAN YOU SHUT UP?

PARISIAN 2:…maybe…

EPONINE:

ON MY OWN,

A SING ANNOYING POP-SONGS

NOT ALONE,

THE FANGIRLS ALL SING WITH ME,

'CAUSE THEY ALL HATE

THAT SKANKY-NUN COSETTE,

WHO'D BE A PRISSY LITTLE ASS IF WE HAD EVER MET.

(KEY CHANGE!)

BUT THOSE GIRLS,

ANNOY ME HALF TO DEATH

WITH THEIR STUPID, BADLY WRITTEN FANFICTION

COULD THEY MAKE IT MORE UNCANON?

OH THEY HAVE, AND THEY'LL WRITE AGAIN.

I HATE THEM,

BUT WHEN THEY OPEN WORKS WORD™

IT IS DONE,

THE WORST STORIES YOU'VE HEARD

THEY MAKE ME

AN UNREALISTIC CHARACTER,

MORE THAN A SUE THAN THE PHANTOM'S ILLEGITIMATE DAUGHTER!

I HATE THEM

BUT EVERYDAY I'M LEARNING

THERE'S NO WAY TO ESCAPE THEIR STALKING!

WHY'S THIS SONG,

HAVE SUCH SUCKY RHYTHM?

MAYBE 'CAUSE THE AUTHORESS IS WATCHING YU-GI-OH!

I HATE HER

I HATE THEM,

I'LL KILL HIM,

I'LL KILL HIM ON MY OWN!

* * *

That's a twist, Eponine hates her fan girls!

And uhm, oh, so Cosette having an alter-ego named Colette is based on this character Marik (or Malik) from Yu-Gi-Oh whose family is full of tomb-keepers and he never goes above, out into the world (expect for when his sister Ishizu does once) and so he ends up creating an evil spilt personality, Yami-Marik.

So stuffs I don't own:  
Les Miserables,  
Yu-Gi-Oh,  
Phantom of the Opera,  
Pokemon,  
Ouran High Host Club,  
Harry Potter

And a giant cookie to whoever knows what "anatidaephobic" means.


	12. Javert's ArrivalA Little Fall of Rain

Okay, so I haven't updated this in a long time. Reasons being (a) Les Miserables really isn't my main fandom now-a-days and (b) I'm really not that funny.

However, two people, **Ryan Dodge **and **In the Loft **were nice enough to review this fic, even though it hasn't been updated in nearly six months. And well, I just had a conversation with one of my friends about how it's so annoying when you read a fic, and it's not finished. So, I felt guilty.

So, I updated. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed and favorited this. It really means a lot.

Enjoy!

* * *

LES AMIS: NOW WE PLEDGE OURSELVES

TO HOLD THIS BARRICADE!

ENJOLRAS: Alright, men, we're putting our lives on the line for France-

FEUILLY: *raises his hand* Can I fight for Poland?

ENJOLRAS: *****face palm* Feuilly, for the last time, this is France. We are _Les Amis_, not _Przyjaciół. _We are fighting for France, not-

FEUILLY: But Poland's always being picked on an belittled by the other countries!

ENJOLRAS: *eye-twitch* Just pretend the poor of France are Poland, okay?

FEUILLY: Really? POLAND FOREVER! *pulls out Polish Flag*

ENJOLRAS: I need new people for this.

THE OBNOXIOUS AND CHUBBY NATIONAL GUARDSMAN: YOU AT THE BARRICADES,

LISTEN TO THIS!

YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE

BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.

ENJOLRAS: We're called the _Friends _of the ABC. We don't have a friendship shortage.

THE OBNOXIOUS AND CHUBBY NATIONAL GUARDSMAN: Oh...uhm...well, you'll still die.

ENJOLRAS: Because we weren't already expecting that. *eye roll*

JEHAN: Wait, what? I'm squeamish about death, you know!

JAVERT: *disguised by wearing a Phantom of the Opera Mask*

ENJOLRAS: *to Javert* ...do I know you?

JAVERT: Of course you do, you rebellious hooligan!...I mean, yes. I'm the Phantom of the Barricade. I'm here to...compose music! For your revolution! And fall in love with an ingenue!

ENJOLRAS: Too late. Fluffy tops over there already got the ingenue.

MARIUS: Did some one say my name?

COURFEYRAC: *to Enjolras* Psssssh. He's just dead-weight. I think if we just kill him now, no one will notice...or care.

ENJOLRAS: He's not worth the ammo.

JAVERT/THE PHANTOM OF THE BARRICADE: I HAVE OVER HEARD THEIR PLANS

THERE WILL BE NO ATTACK TONIGHT!

EVERYONE OVER THE AGE OF TWELVE: HE'S WEARING A MASK SO HE MUST BE TRUST-WROTHY!

GAVROCHE: *tugging on Enjolras' vest* He's Javert.

ENJOLRAS: Stop touching Le Vest, it's still on layaway! And what blasphemy is this?

GAVROCHE: Do you know anyone else in the world with sideburns that big?

ENJOLRAS:...okay kid, you've got a point.

JAVERT: Damn it, the mask doesn't cover Amborse and Caspar!

GRANTAIRE: Good job, little Gavroche! *high fives*

COMBEFERRE: Why is it that no one seems to have a problem with the fact that a 25-year-old alcholic with no direction in life is so chummy with a little boy?

COURFEYRAC: This is the same book/musical where a little girl let's an unknown man from a dark forest bring her home. Do you think stranger-danger is an important theme?

ENJOLRAS: Alright boys, tie him up and take his pants.

JAVERT: Wait, the pants part was not in the script!

ENJOLRAS: We're the slashiest characters in Les Mis history. What did you expect from us?

JAVERT: *being pulled away* I'm an officer of the law! I will not be defiled! UNHAND ME AND STOP LICKING YOUR LIPS, DRUNKARD! *is ignored*

EPONINE: *climbing the barricade* Oh, Marius! *is shot*

MARIUS: *comes back down to Earth* Did something happen? *sees Eponine cluching her chest* Oh, you with the hat, did you give Cosette my letter? How'd she react? How'd see look? Was she in tears? Was she wearing black or green? Was she-

EPONINE: I'VE LIED DES VOLKES GOT A BULLET HOLE IN MY STOMACH AND ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS SOME GIRL YOU'VE ONLY TALKED TO FOR TWO MINUTES?

Marius:...I'm guessing you're angry?

EPONINE: HOW IS IT THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSEDLY SMARTER THAN ME? *falls to the ground*

MARIUS: *hold her body* I really don't understand what the big deal is. So you're a little bloody,

There's nothing a band-aid can't fix.

EPONINE: *twitch-twitch* Can you just not be a dolt for my last few seconds?

MARIUS: Wait...are you dying or something?

EPONINE: GEE, WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IMPRESSION?

MARIUS: Well, you're not singing. Dying and singing go together like fanfiction and Andrew Llyod Webber Musicals!

EPONINE: Good point. Well then,

AND RAIN,

WILL MAKE THE FLOWERS-

FANG1RL 1: wait, epo9! *gets out pen* 'n so mariuss lookd epo9 emrald orbs n sayed 'epo9 ur so hawt n soo much bettah than cossette n lets go 2 england n get marryed n leave cossette cos shes a bitch. n mah magik powers of luv hav healed ur sword wounds' n he kissd teh hawt epo9 sexili on teh lips'

FANG1RL 2: oh mah ficis bettah u fall in luv with enjolrash cos he needed sum wuv in his life.

EPONINE: DON'T YOU GET IT THAT THE REASON I'M SO POPULAR IS BECAUSE I DON'T WIN? IF I GOT MARIUS, I'D BE THE MAN-STEALER FROM INNOCENT COSETTE, IF I GOT ENJOLRAS I'D RUIN THE INSURRECTION! CAN YOU KINDLY SHUT THE LIED DES VOLKES UP AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE?

JOLY: Even while dying, she still has the ability to be so loud.

EPONINE: *BELTING* AND RAIN,

WILL MAKE THE FLOWERS-

MARIUS: ...grow...*kisses her head*

ENJOLRAS: SHE IS THE FIRST TO FALL

COMBEFERRE: ...I thought good-ole-what's-his-face was the first to go.

JOLY: Who?

COURFEYRAC: Actually I think it was Jehan...

JEHAN: I'm here!

ENJOLRAS: Let us remember this girl, Epona and-

MARIUS: It was Eponine.

ENJOLRAS: Sure it was...and her sacrifice to the barricades.

WE WILL FIGHT HERE IN HER NAME!

COMBEFERRE: But she didn't do anything!

COURFEYRAC: She saved Marius!

ENJOLRAS: What? She wasted a bullet that could have killed off the useless fuzzy mop?

MARIUS: WHAT?

ENJOLRAS: Who cares, drop the bitch's body!

BOUSETT: *does so*

* * *

Aw, poor Eponine!

As a side note, when I made the Eponine fangirls, I wasn't trying to stereotype all MariusxEponine or EnjolrasxEponine shippers as stupid fangirls who can't capitalize to save their lives. I was just making fun of the ones who write poorly. I acknowledge that some can write very well and come up with plausible stories. I'm just sick of the "in the heat of the moment Marius forgets all about Cosette" or "Enjorlas gives up the barricades for Eponine" fics. I'm sorry if I offended anyone!


	13. Valjean's ArrivalDrink With Me

RESPONDING TO COMMENTS I COULDN'T RESPOND TO BECAUSE OF ANONYMOUS REVIEWS!

Eponine Thenardier: Yes and no. "Defiance" was just a one-shot, but because you and another person reviewed saying that you hoped for an update, I'll be writing a multi-chapter fic about Azelma in America that I'll start to publish once this is done

BFS: Hence why I abandoned this fic. I was a little too obsessed with that children's card game... (Hey, now we're lucky I'm not making FMA references every-other-minute...) But thank you for the constructive criticism!

THANK YOU TO ALL MY WONDERFUL REVIEWERS! Seriously, I'm gonna sound like a Pansy now, but I actually cried reading some of the reviews I'm so happy. I thought this was terrible and that I would be flamed, but you guys are just so awesome!

VALJEAN: *enters over barricades*

ENJOLRAS: *eyes him suspiciously* Can I help you?

VALJEAN: I COME HERE AS A VOLUNTEER.

FEUILLY: So did that guy over there and that was a lie *points to Javert*

VALJEAN: You trusted a guy wearing a porcelain mask? *eye brow raise*

LES AMIS: *awkward ashamed shuffling of the feet*

ENJOLRAS: Here, have a gun *tosses a musket* FIRE!

COMBEFERRE: *holds hands up* HOLD IT UP!

ENJOLRAS: *annoyed* We're kinda in the middle of something here!

COMBEFERRE: We must stop the fighting, man! Increase the peace!

FEUILLY: Silence the violence! *fist pump!*

EVERYONE: *looks at Feuilly*

ENJOLRAS: You're not helping us here, Feuilly. *to Combeferre* What is _this _supposed to mean?

COMBEFERRE: I'm the Philosophical One, shouldn't I be all peaceful, man? *passes out daisies that randomly appeared*

ENJOLRAS: *eye-twitch* Who the hell are you, and what did you do to Combeferre?

NATIONAL GUARD: *fires at them*

ENJOLRAS: OH SH!T!

VALJEAN: *shoots sniper*

EVERYONE: *shoots until they're almost out of ammo*

JEHAN: Hey, we didn't die! Maybe we'll win after all!

EVERYONE ELSE: *awkward shuffling of the feet again*

ENJOLRAS: *extends hand out to Valjean* Thanks, Citizen, for saving me back there, even though in the book all you did was sit in the corner and make shoes.

JOLY: Actually Dr. Manette was the guy who made shoes and-

ENJOLRAS: What's the difference? *

COMBEFERRE: But, still, he shot someone, man. Like, think about it, he just ended the life of one of Mother Nature's precious gifts, man.

ENJOLRAS: He could have ended my life!

JOLY: *to Combeferre* Why are you speaking like you're from the 1960s?

LESGLES: Which haven't even happened yet...

ENJOLRAS: *to Valjean* So, sniper-killer, what do you want in return?

VALJEAN: The man with the mask.

SLASH SHIPPERS: *gets out pens/pencils*

VALJEAN: *facepalm* Not in that way!

ENJOLRAS: Really? Because we totally support that.

COURFEYRAC: It's practically our motto.

JEHAN: Other than Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity, of course.

VALJEAN: Can I just kill him, please?

ENJOLRAS: Sure. Death's our other motto.

COMBEFERRE: Dude, think about this first, what does your inner spirit tell you to do?

ENJOLRAS: Will you stop this? You're scaring Jehan!

JEHAN: Actually, I'm quiet-

ENJOLRAS: You're scared and you're gonna like it!

JEHAN: *more scared of Enjolras than Combeferre* okay okay okay okay!

ENJOLRAS: Good. Now as for you, Old Man, do what you want.

VALJEAN: Okey-dokey...*takes Javert*

JAVERT: Oh the irony of this, to think that you'd be the one to-

VALJEAN: *gets knife out* Can you please be quiet?

JAVERT: *not listening* Oh, you're using a knife, so typical of a criminal of your-

VALJEAN: You talk too much. *cuts the rope tying Javert's hands*

JAVERT: *still not listening* Oh, look the stars are out, maybe I should sing a-

VALJEAN: WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?

JAVERT: Were you saying something?

VALJEAN: Yes, I was! Quit your yapping and leave! Your voice annoys me!

JAVERT: Oh yeah! Well then, squeaky-tenor boy, I'm- wait, what?

VALJEAN: Maybe if you listened to me, you'd know that I'm letting you free.

JAVERT: ...is this some sort of trap?

FANGIRL: YES! TO GET YOU TO SLEEP WITH HIM!

JAVERT: *blinks confusedly for a moment*...OH OH MY EYES, THE MIND-IMAGE BURNS!

VALJEAN: *awkward shuffling of the feet* Uhm, no actually, it was to show the theme of redemption and forgiveness.

FANGIRL: Theme? Pish-posh! All we want is smut and PWP!

JAVERT: I'll think I'll take up on your offer of leaving...*raises fist* but this isn't the last of me, you hear, I'll get you one-

VALJEAN: Oh, get a hobby will you? I hear birdwatching is quiet relaxing!

**meanwhile back the cafe...the only logical thing is happening: getting drunk and singing**

FEUILLY: I'VE GOT THE BOOZE!

COURFEYRAC: Party time! Bitches, come to ME!

ENJOLRAS: *eye roll*

FEUILLY: DRINK WITH ME, TO DAYS GONE BY

SING WITH ME, THE SONGS WE KNEW!

JEHAN: HERE'S TO PRETTY BOYS-I mean- GIRLS*

WHO BENT TO OUR HEADS,

JOLY: HERE'S TO WITTY GIRLS,

WHO WENT TO OUR BEDS.

MUSICHETTA: Oh, so it's plural, now, huh? So, who are these girls?

BOUSSET: Look who's talking!

JOLY: I know, seriously Musichetta, think about yourself for a moment.

MUSICHETTA: *twiddles her thumbs*

JOLY: I thought so.

GRANTAIRE: Damn, we suck. And we're all studying to be lawyers. So we double suck. Will anyone remember us? Naaah, we're just a bunch of crackahs at a barricade who'll accomplish NOTHING AT ALL. Well, at least we got booze! *takes a swig*

ENJOLRAS: *glares*

FANGIRLS: *sit nervously on the edge of their seats*

FANGIRL 1: Will he go all Thaxton on us?

FANGIRL 2: I hope not! That'll ruin my OTP of E et E!

FANGIRL 3: E et E? Come on, Really? He shouldn't do The Hug ™ because EnjolrasxCombeferre is _my _OTP.

FANGIRL 4: Did you just put Enjolras as seme? Really? Everyone knows Enjolras is only seme with Marius and Jehan!

FANGIRL 3: No way! Do you expect everyone to follow the orders of an uke?

*cat fight breaks out between fangirls*

ENJOLRAS: CAN YOU STOP IT! Not only has Grantaire re-started the eternal "Was-the-insurrection-all-in-vain?" debate but also you girls have re-started the "Is-Enjolras-on-top-or-bottom-or-better-yet-is-he-a-GIRL?" debate. Maybe this is why we failed, because all anyone seemed to do was debate!

JOLY: Actually, I'd like to point out that-

ENJOLRAS: MERDE, I STARTED ANOTHER!

COMBEFERRE: Dudes, why debate when we can create positive energy waves by-

EVERYONE: STOP IT WITH THE SUDDEN PACIFIST TROPE ALREADY!

COMBEFERRE: Gosh, I'm really feeling negative waves here...

ENJOLRAS: Oh please be over soon, you stupid scene-

MARIUS: OH COSETTE! *SNIFFLE*-I MISS YOU *SOB!*-I'M GONNA DIE AND YOU'LL BE IN CALAIS WITH YOUR FATHER AND YOU'LL FORGET ALL ABOUT ME AND YOU WON'T- *NOSE BLOW*-LOVE ME AND MY GRANDFATHER WAS RIGHT I'M A L-L-LOSER!

ENJOLRAS: I spoke too soon...

* * *

*Yes, Enjolras there is a HUGE difference Between Dr. Manette and Jean Vajean.

**I'm not sure if non-anime fandoms use these terms for slash, but "Seme" means "top" (literally: "attacker") and "uke" means "bottom" (literally: "receiver") But Fangirl #4 is so right. Enjolras is an uke with Combeferre. ALWAYS. Unless it's a total kink!fic and they're switching it up for some reason. HE'S. TOO. PRETTY.

I'm sorry if my slash references are offending anyone, but seriously, I need to pay homage to Les Mis slash, if not for it, I wouldn't be the kooky-fangirl I am today (my friends still won't believe that I got into slash/yaoi/shonen-ai/boy's love/(seriously, how many terms are there?) because of a 1500 page book from the 1800s...but hey, my story of how I got into femslash/yuri is even weirder...)


	14. Bring Him HomeFinal AttackSewers

Well, I have no school tomorrow (New England has gotten yet another blizzard...) so I don't need to study or go to bed early, so I was able to type this up!

The reviews have been wonderful. Thanks to all! I love you guys!

VALJEAN: GOD ON HIGH,

HEAR MY PRAYER,

KILL THIS BOY

KILL HIM HERE

LET HIM DIE,

IN THE STREET,

WHAT A FATE,

HE SHALL MEET

LET HIM LEAVE

MY COSETTE

SOON HIS FACE

SHE'LL FORGET

I KNOW I COULD-

AUDIENCE: *twitch-twitch* Oh horrible...

DIRECTOR: PSSSH! In this version, you like Marius!

VALJEAN: ...WHAT? He's the hooligan that's stealing my sweet little chocolate-chip muffin from me!

DIRECTOR: But does that make for a moving tenor power ballad?

VALJEAN: YES, FOR ME!

DIRECTOR: *facepalm* Oh gosh, someone get the sedatives, we've got another defiant one.

VALJEAN: Oh no, needles bad, Valjean no likey...

DIRECTOR: THEN SING!

VALJEAN: *sings the rest of the song...correctly*

HALF OF THE AUDIENCE: OH WHAT A MOVING SONG!

OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE: OH WHAT ANOTHER BORING SOLO! WHAT'S THIS, HIS THIRD?

EVERYONE: *awakes from their hangovers*

JEHAN: Man, that was some party, what time-

ENJOLRAS: EVERYONE, MOVE YOUR ASSES!

MARIUS: I'M HELPFUL!

ENJOLRAS: ...why don't you sit this one out, okay, Marius?

MARIUS: But I'm helpful!

VALJEAN: I'm old!

GAVROCHE: BUT I'M HELPFUL-ER! *picks up bullets*

LITTLE PEOPLE KNOW, WHEN LITTLE PEOPLE FIGHT,

WE FIGHT LIKE TWENTY ARMIES,

AND WE WON'T GIVE *is shot* UP!

*dies*

WOMEN: OH NOES!

GRANTAIRE: NOOOOOO! HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND! LIKE, HE WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN ENJOLRAS, AND ENJOLRAS IS LIKE A GOD, SO HE WAS LIKE, AN UBER-ULTRA-MEGA-AWESOME-SUPER-FUGDE-COVERED-CHERRY-ON-TOP-WITH-ABSINTHE-FROSTING-OVER-LORD-GOD! (yes my friends, his crying is this ridiculous)

COMBEFERRE: Let the child return to Mother Earth to be reborn into a peaceful tree that shall give us air and shelter and-

ENJOLRAS: Did you even know him?

JEHAN: Look who's talking Mister-Let-Me-Mourn-Some-Girl-I-Never-Met-And-Call-Her-A-Hero!

COURFEYRAC: I hate kids.

JOLY: Look who's talking Mister-Let-Me-Knock-Up-Every-Girl-In-Paris!

COURFEYRAC: Look who's talking Mister-Let-Me-Screw-My-Mistress-And-Best-Friend-At-The-Same-Time!

ENJOLRAS: LOOK WHO'S TALKING, IT'S-YOUR-LEADER! Now get your asses out there and shoot those guns!

RANDOM GIRLS: WE SHALL HELP!

ENJOLRAS: And you are...?

BLONDE: I'm Artemis-Sue! I'm your adorable little sister who's got your spirit and dedication to mother France! But I'll save the barricades and then marry Combeferre and/or Grantaire!

COMBEFERRE: I'm currently engaged to Mother Earth.

GRANTAIRE: ...I'm married...to your brother...

ENJOLRAS: WHAT?

BRUNETTE: I'm Courfeyrac's Mistress-Sue! I'll make him forget about his crazy days of barricades and hoardes of girls for a nice family life in the country!

COURFEYRAC: …

AUBURN: I'VE RETURNED FROM THE DEAD! I'm Eppie-Sue, I look just like Cosette only prettier and with more class! Marius, I'll save you and our love!

RED-HEAD: I'm Patria-Sue! I represent all that is France, and Enji-kins is bound to wuv me! He already loves France!

ENJOLRAS:...but you're a girl...with tits and stuff...

GUNS: *they fire*

ENJOLRAS: SEE, I TOLD YOU GIRLS ARE A SILLY DISTRACTION!

EVERYONE: *fires...in flashing slow motion!*

JEHAN: *is shot*

FEUILLY: *rushes to his side* Oh Jehan, don't die on me, not now, there's still so much for-

JEHAN: *uncomfortably squirms* What are you doing?

FEUILLY: You and I are the authoress's slash OTP. She wanted some fan service moments of us.

JEHAN: Oh, alright. Well then, let me die in your arms, my fanboy! Haha, I made a pun! Get it, FANboy, you make fans-

FEUILLY: Just shut up and die already *they snuggle, and die*

BOUSSET: HEY, I REMEMERED WHO THE OTHER GUY WAS, IT WAS BAHOR- *is shot*

EVERYONE ASIDE FROM MARIUS AND VALJEAN: *dies*

ORCHESTRA: *plays an instrumental reprise of Bring Him Home in order to remind the audience that the barricade boys did too have families and sweethearts that would miss them too...expect their families have probably rejected them just like Marius' family for their revolutionary hi-jinx and heterosexuality is outlawed in Les Amis so no girls would miss them, save maybe Courfeyerac's bitches...*

JAVERT: *goes identifying bodies, because he clearly wants to identify some punks' bodies*

ENJOLRAS' BODY: *is bloody in a wagon with the red-flag*

MOST OF THE GIRL AND SOME GUYS IN THE AUDIENCE: *bawling eyes out* He was so haaaawt! Oh the agony!

(MEANWHILE IN THE SEWERS!)

VALJEAN: Man, Marius, you need to lay off the croissants...

MARIUS: *half-conscious* Cosette...like...croissants...too.

VALJEAN: *shakes head* Oh why did I save him...okay, the old man needs his nap...like now...*drops*

THENARDIER: Man, I can't even get Azelma to do my sewer shit now...oh, lookie here, a pretty little ring...I can probably get a sou for it...

MARIUS: *dreaming* Oh Cosette, will you marry me? *hands her his cheap ring*

DREAM-COSETTE: Hell no! Not with that cheap little ring! I'm hooking up with Azelma!

THENARDIER: *sees Valjean* hehe, look who's here! I have got the scoop on you now! *about to leave* Oh yeah, I have a solo here...

SOME SOMETHING

DOGS EATING DOGS,

I'M JUST HERE FOR

THE COMIC RELIEF

NOTHING MORE

I NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!

*leaves*

* * *

Oh, well this was a little on the short side. Sorry guys!


	15. Javert's SuicideEveryday

Sorry I haven't updated in so long! I've been so busy with school, drama club, work, AMVs, etc. Well, I'm also sorry that this is a little on the short side too!

Hopefully, I'll be done with this fic soon. Only a couple scenes left! Then I can work on some of my other fics (I promised myself that I wouldn't publish anything else until this was finished...which I sorta broke with a one-shot for a completely unrelated fandom, but anynoodles, that's besides the point! Enjoy this installment!

And reviewers, you've all been amazing! Thank you so much, you all say the sweetest, nicest, things and I makes me feel so much more confident about this fic! I can't thank you enough!

* * *

THE SEWERS

JAVERT: I'm baaaack!

VALJEAN: ...really? Must I remind you of the bird watching?

JAVERT: It's 2 in the morning! There are no birds out to watch!

VALJEAN: ...bat-watching then?

JAVERT: Alright, you're coming with me!

VALJEAN: Wait, but this boy needs a doctor!

JAVERT: First it was a prostitute needs a doctor, then an orphan needs a father, and now it's a revolutionary needs a doctor! Excuses, excuses!

VALJEAN: Actually, I wouldn't call him a revolutionary. He only joined the insurrection because of my daughter.

JAVERT: Really?

VALJEAN: Yeah, I think he did it to impress her or something. He thinks she likes bad boys or something.

JAVERT: *shakes head* Teenagers, always trying to be rebellious...

VALJEAN: Tell me about it. Two days ago, Cosette wanted to go out and make friends!

JAVERT: Gosh, they're getting more and more wild!... *blinks* wait, am I supposed to be here for something?

VALJEAN: Uhm...

JAVERT: Oh, right, arresting you!

VALJEAN: Come on, seriously, do you think that if God wanted you to catch me, you would have caught me by now?

JAVERT: Well, HA! I'm an atheist!

VALJEAN: ...but this is the musical. You've been turned into a crazy 'holier-than-thou' religious fanatic.

JAVERT: Gosh darn it!

VALJEAN: So...can I go now?

JAVERT: No! Why do you think I keep chasing you?

VALJEAN: Because I'm an escaped convict?

JAVERT: No, dude, I just wanted a friend!

AUDIENCE: Awwwww...

VALJEAN: Whoa, whoa, clingy...

JAVERT: Huh?

VALJEAN: Dude, this bromance, can't work. You're just too attached. You need an identity that's not connected to me.

JAVERT: You're ending our bromance before it even starts?

VALJEAN: It's for the best. It's not you, well, actually, it is you. Sorry man.

JAVERT: Don't go!

VALJEAN: *waking away with Marius* Remember what I said about bird watching!

JAVERT: ...my whole life has been a lie.

PASSERBY: Hey, are you alright?

JAVERT: ...The law is not just.

PASSERBY: Hey, do you need some help?

JAVERT: …why must I go on, living this cruel life?

PASSERBY: ...Dude, suicide is not a good option!

JAVERT: *goes to bridge*

PASSERBY: Not the river!

JAVERT: *puts on hand-cuffs and takes the plunge*

RESCUE-SUE: I'll save you, Mutton-Button! *dies also in her attempt to save him*

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: So...did he just die?

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: No, the bridge just fell apart and he got pulled into a little trap door at the stage wall.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Oh, okay, that's what I thought.

*The Next Day*

COSETTE: EVERYDAY YOU WALK

WITH STRONGER STEPS,

YOU WALK WITH

LONGER STEPS

THE WORST-

MARIUS: So you're not leaving me for Azelma?

COSETTE: ...who?

MARIUS: Oh, good, I had this terrible dream that you left me for-

COSETTE: Actually, Marius, we need to talk...

MARIUS: …

COSETTE: Yeah...I just don't see us working...

MARIUS: But, but-we're the canon couple!

COSETTE: Yeah, that's the problem...you see, people don't like me because I'm one half of the canon couple.

MARIUS: But I like you! Isn't that all that matters?

COSETTE: Uhm...yeah, well-HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF EVERYONE CALLED YOU A MARY-SUE?

MARIUS: Uh...

COSETTE: *sobs* What-t, just because I get-t the guy, I'm a criminal? I-I-WAAAAH!

MARIUS: *tries to comfort her*

COSETTE: *runs off*

VALJEAN: *comes on, glaring at Marius* What. On. Earth. Did. You. Little. Punk. DO TO HER?

MARIUS: *covers himself* Don't hurt me! I'll ill! I didn't know what I was doing I-EEEP!

VALJEAN: * raises fist* I'VE SEEN THE SCUM OF THE SCUM, I'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL, BUT NONE OF THAT IS AS LOW AS YOU!

MARIUS: ...wait, what?

VALJEAN: I'VE SPENT TIME IN PRISON WITH GANG MEMBERS AND MURDERERS, BUT THAT'S NOT AS BAD AS SOMEONE WHO BREAKS THE HEART OF AN INNOCENT GIRL!

MARIUS: Think about what you're saying here...

VALJEAN: I'VE CHANGED MY NAME THOUSANDS OF TIMES, BUT THOSE LIES ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO MY LITTLE GIRL WHO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HER NAME IS!

MARIUS: Are you-

VALJEAN: I'M FLIPPIN'-JEAN-VAL-THE-CONVICT-24601-JEAN, I LEARNED THINGS IN PRISON, BOY, AND I CAN TRY THEM OUT ON YOU, WHY I-Oh shit.

AWKWARD SILENCE: *is awkward*

MARIUS:...uhm, if I may-

VALJEAN: Just leave. Now.

MARIUS: *scurries off*

* * *

Thanks for reading!


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